Life Is a Challenge - I'm Reaching A Breaking Point

The summer Olympics are drawing to a close, and they've been marvelous. I loved the new sports added - Climbing, Surfing and Skateboarding. All of them were really fun to watch, challenging for the competitors, and I think were good additions to the pre-existing slate of sporting events. I was even able to catch the finals of Rhythmic Gymnastics All-Around this morning - the Gold being won by Israel. It was a pleasure to see the Israeli flag and hear the anthem again; it's been quite a while since I last heard it. 

It was really nice to see the Israeli flag in primary position 
and hear the anthem of Israel playing for the Gold Medal 
winner of Rhythmic Gymnastics All-Around. It was a 
hotly contested event and the young woman from the 
ROC came in second, after having her own gold last 
Olympics. 

I had hopes for our dinner last night. DH agreed on tacos for dinner, and I thought that would be easy to make in two batches, one for him and one for me. But when he came home from work and realized I was making two separate batches so that I could have my taco seasoning and he could have his, the shit hit the fan. Apparently I'm being selfish by not using the standard taco seasoning. I'm doubling up on everything and that's driving his crazy. The fact that I'm healthy and that my doctor is thrilled with my weight and bloodwork apparently means nothing to him. He considers WildFit a diet, where I consider it a lifestyle choice that I'm not turning my back on. He stormed off, and I ate alone and seasoned all of the beef with my own seasoning (Siete Taco Seasoning and their Taco Shells - really good!). I have enough for another meal tonight, and maybe Monday too. 

I love Siete products. Their taco shells were really tasty 
and I liked the taco seasoning too. I used the "Hot" 
taco seasoning which was really pretty mild. I'll use 
the mild next time and see what I think. 

I think I've got my back against the wall. I'm just not seeing any way out of this. I know he won't go to counseling, and I also know I can't live in a toxic environment. I foresee a lot of changes in the air, but I think the best thing would be a separation. I'm going to check out a couple of other things, and I still have a small bit of hope, but frankly, I can't live with someone who'e angry all the time. He's not physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive and although I have deep roots and I'm strong, I'm thinking I could thrive if I wasn't under his shade. Time to get my ducks in a row and be ready for some serious changes. 

I look at other couples who complement each other, and 
support each other and I'm envious. That's what I always 
thought marriage could and should be. I'm not getting 
that - I haven't for a long time. I've cried out for 
support, and I keep getting pushed aside for his own 
wants and his own needs. I don't think I can bend any 
more without breaking. 

On that note, it's Saturday which is always good, and it's thundering outside, so maybe we'll get some much-needed rain today. That would be a very positive thing indeed. Have a wonderful weekend, all. I'll be back on Monday. 

Thank You to Every One of You - A Tribe is Established and a Spring Thunderstorm

First of all, I have to thank each and every one of you who have reached out to me over the past difficult weeks. Your comments, messages and emails have been so supportive and I've leaned on them when I needed a boost. Thank you, thank you, and thank you! 

Thanks to each of you who has reached out to me. 
You've really helped lower my stress levels and 
have given me the strength to move through and 
make educated decisions. *Hugs* to all of you! 

I spent about 45 minutes with Andrew on a Zoom call yesterday morning, and had him walk me through the entire process of how a divorce would work, what the time frames were, each step that would need to be taken, the financial costs, and the state regulations. It's a rare case that actually goes to trial, most of the time cases are settled by a mediator and he said the four mediators working for my County were the best he worked with in the state, so that made me feel good. The entire process seems do-able, and I could activate it with a phone call to Andrew at any time. ... But   ...   I'm not going to start this yet. I'm still hopeful that we can repair what's been broken and move on. We've done it before, so I'm hoping we can do it again. 

As it turns out, Clausen & Hassan, LLC are one 
of the top-20 law firms in my state (and there are 
a LOT of lawyers and law firms in this state). I 
hadn't necessarily vetted them, I called them based 
on a lot of positive reviews and high ratings. It 
also didn't hurt that they offered an initial free 
consultation. I took advantage of that, talking with 
Andrew for 45 minutes over Zoom. I'd be comfortable 
with their rates and his experience, so if I moved 
forward, I think I'd do well. 

Of course a lot of this hinges on DH, and he's attaching his hopes to the end of my WildFit program because, of course, everything is my fault and WildFit is an easy cause to blame. I keep telling him that I'm not changing my new food habits. Frankly, why should I? I'm healthier than I've been in decades, I'm down almost 15 pounds, and I'm really comfortable within their routine. Now I need to build it into a habit and something I almost do without thinking. Fortunately I've got my Tribe to help with that. 

I love my WildFit Tribe. In other programs I'm taking, 
the Tribe is referred to as a cohort, but in WildFit, we
call ourselves a Tribe. We've bonded together into a
super-supportive group of about 50 or so who are
always there, posting and helping others. We have a total
tribe of more than 400, but not everyone is "front and
center" when it comes to video calls and posting. 

As members of WildFit who started in the 2/22 group, we started bonding together through bi-weekly Coaches calls and the weekly live-chat Zoom call, as well as by posting on our WF page and commenting on posts made by other Tribe members. We made friendships through texts and comments, and we didn't want to lose track of these friends after the 13 weeks were over. Yesterday morning, one of our members started a FB group for us and many of us immediately signed up for it. It's restricted to our Tribe only. I'm sure bumps will come in the road for all of us, and having the Tribe there to help us over them will be a real key to our continued health and happiness. I'm so pleased - I was dreading leaving these people behind after I had gotten close to many of them. Now I don't have to worry about that. 

Spring thunderstorms can be deadly and devastating (this 
particular photo is from near Waukesha, Wisconsin, our 
neighboring state to the East). The rumbles of today's 
storm are mild grumbles, not a crash, boom, bang.
Hopefully today's rain will continue to be light 
and friendly. 

On that note, I hear thunder outside. A mild Spring rain is falling, nothing major, but a wet day. Since for an unknown reason, Minnesotans seem to hate coming out in the rain, it might be a slow day at the shop. Hopefully not, though, I'd like to be busy. Have a wonderful weekend, stay safe, be kind and please wear a mask. I'll be back on Monday. 

Moving Ahead, Trying To Grow and Change if Necessary

So I have a 10:00 am Zoom call with Andrew, my attorney. I need to get my feet under myself, talk basics, and figure out where I want to go. I'm lucky to get 20 words a day out of DH, and I know if I "talk" to him about how close to ending our marriage I am getting, he'll shut down like a door slamming in my face. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still exploring any options at all that will give us a future together. But it's not looking positive right now. 

I'm still hoping for a miracle, but I don't think it's 
going to happen. He's got it into his head that the 
problems we are having are all due to my food 
program and that if I wan't sticking to those foods, 
all would be OK again. No. It's not that simple. 

WildFit is into the last few weeks and I'm really going to miss my Tribe. We've been there for each other, celebrating the wins and giving support for tough times. We're currently discussing things like living with WildFit and 3-day fasts (water and veggie smoothies only, no other foods, so not as tough as it could be), to help jump-start people who might be stalled. Realistically, a 3-day fast, or even longer, isn't really a problem. When it comes down to reality, air is the #1 thing we need, sleep is another thing that is necessary. Water ... the human body can do without it for a few days under pressure, but food actually comes way down the list. Nonetheless, I'll join with all of you in saying that I do enjoy food, and really don't have intentions of giving food up anytime in the immediate future. I'll probably try some fasts, but I'm under enough stress right now without adding that to the mix. 

I don't really want a divorce, but I don't think I can 
continue to live with his constant anger and 
depression. He won't seek help, and I can't force 
him. Maybe this will shake him up enough that 
he will look for counseling, etc., but I think 
it far more likely that he'll just lose his temper 
and get worse, not better. 

Having a Zoom call in the middle of my morning, along with another one with my Tribe at noon, splits my day in half quite effectively. I will be working in the kitchen this afternoon because I have things I have to make, but I'll also have to push through a quick trip to the grocery store and I need to drop a package off at Kohl's to return an item to Amazon. Meanwhile, my thoughts just won't stop whirling around and around. I feel like a dog chasing it's own tail, but the dog does it for fun, and this is anything BUT fun. 

I'd suggest Relationship and Couples 
Counseling, if I thought he would 
actually go and participate actively. 
I still might try it though. I hate to 
say I didn't do everything in my power 
to resolve this. I guess I'll start 
tracking down someone who might 
be able to help with that, not just 
talk to an attorney (although I've 
been dealing with DH & his 
tempers for decades, and I'm rather 
tired of them). 

Still, I will persevere, as the saying goes. I am strong and I will succeed in making the life for myself that I need to. I'd prefer it to be by DH's side, but we'll see. That may not be in the cards any more. So, have an excellent Friday and please, stay safe, be kind and please wear your mask. I'll be back tomorrow.