I'm Angry - I Think I Have a Right To Be Angry

I'm running really tight on time right now, and I have no idea why. Maybe I took an extra long time in my morning meditation, but my morning fast-walk was pretty much within my normal time span. Maybe I'm running late because I'm disgusted and saddened and angry right now. I'm angry at both DH and myself. 

This quote from Vincent van Gogh just about 
sums up my feelings right about now. GRRRRR

I'm angry at myself for being stupid enough to want to shovel the driveway in mid-afternoon. It's a long driveway, and it takes serious time, and I was going really slowly. But 1/3 of the way done, my armpit began to hurt. So I switched to do all of the motions with my left arm as much as possible, finished the driveway, did my errand, returned home, and since it was continuing to snow, I let it pile up. Today I have pockets of ??? under my underarm tape that weren't there 24 hours ago. And they're a bit tender to the touch. I'd be really concerned about it, but I see my Surgeon on Wednesday, so I'll have some answers then (and probably get scolded, which I well deserve). 

I did NOT have any lymph nodes under the 
armpit removed, because biopsies throughout 
the area showed no signs of cancer. But, Doc 
did a bunch of biopsies, so I have serious 
stitches under the armpit. That's what seemed 
to break open yesterday. I see her on Wednesday, 
so I'll just hang in until then. 

I bought DH two really nice valentines almost two months ago and gave them to him yesterday morning. He took a glance at them, said he'd been too busy to get me anything, tossed them to the side, and dove into reading his morning paper. I'm going to retrieve those cards today and shred them. He doesn't deserve them, and I'm angry. Did I mention that I'm angry? LOL

I might just shred the two valentines I purchased for 
DH. He certainly doesn't deserve to get them. I haven't 
had a decent Valentine's Day for more the a decade, and 
I think I'm really tired of being taken for granted. 

I also had a large, multi-point email ready to send to a place where we're thinking about placing some of our inventory for auction. And ... it disappeared. I've looked everywhere, tried almost everything, but no success. I can't seem to retrieve it, and I really need to because I had worked on it for more than an hour and it was finally asking all of the questions I had. I'll try again today to retrieve it. I usually have auto-save in place, but that only works for so many times before it starts overwriting. Still, even an overwritten older version would save me a LOT of rewriting. 

I'm hoping I can recapture the letter I was working on 
last night. I was working on the laptop, so I might have 
a small chance of retrieval. Otherwise, I have to rewrite it, 
and it was long, and comprehensive, and I'm pretty sure 
I'd forget a germane point by now. *sigh* 

So, that was my day yesterday. Some good things, more bad things, and anger - a lot of anger. What a crap way to spend Valentine's Day. Have an excellent Tuesday and may all of us have a truly excellent day today. I'll be back tomorrow. Slava Ukraini. 

I'm Bewildered and A Bit Pissed Off

I bought a beautiful piece of meat for Sunday's dinner yesterday morning, but DH is absolutely furious at me - I spent too much money, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah (it was my money, not the household funds). He insisted I freeze it until Easter weekend, so fine. I put it in the freezer for a week. Now he gets to buy whatever meat he wants for tomorrow's dinner. I know what veggies I'll be making, and yes, apparently I'm once again destroying his Sunday joy. How? Beats me. I'm six seconds away from saying "Fuck it all, I'm getting a divorce" and after 42 years of marriage, I really don't want to have to move to that level of hatred and desperation. But he can be such a turd and I'm getting really tired of his moods. 

I have been looking at townhomes in my area that are up 
for sale. If I did get a divorce, I know I couldn't keep up 
this house and would have to find a different place to 
live. Which might be a lot of fun. I've always loved looking 
at new homes, so I'm trolling the "For Sale" on-line 
listings. This one is nice.  

I had a lovely text conversation with one of my nephews yesterday, though. It brightened my whole day, just chatting back and forth, catching up a little on FaceBook Messenger. I have five nephews and three nieces. David is the next-to-oldest of my nephews and he's one of my favorites, a fabulous young man. It was such a nice surprise to chat with him for a bit. 

It's not perfect, but it's a huge sight better than 
it had been. My oven is old - probably original 
with the house which places it at almost 60 
years old. Once upon a time it had a self-
clean feature, but that's long gone. It was pretty 
easy to get off the grime. Now to keep it 
looking nice and clean. 

I also cleaned my oven yesterday. It desperately needed it. I had purchased the oven cleaner a couple of months ago but hadn't had the time/energy to do anything about it. It was perched in the back of my mind, though, so I grabbed the opportunity yesterday and got to work. Cleaning ovens is not my favorite thing to do, but it was necessary. The oven was filthy - baked on grime covering it from top to bottom. After an hour or so of spraying, waiting and washing, I declared myself content with the job. It's not perfect, but it's a vast improvement. 

So, on that note, I'm probably depressing you so I'm going to sign off here. We'll see how the weekend goes, but my plan is to be back here on Monday morning, ready to start another week of "As My World Turns". Meanwhile, please be kind, stay safe and wear your mask. 

I Need An Escape - How About A Tiny Treehouse?

Some mornings are harder to get up for than others. Today was such a day, I actually slept until my alarm awakened me at 4:00 am, usually I wake up anywhere from 30-60 minutes before and just get up. I guess the temperature was perfect, and maybe my dreams were good - I have no idea on that. But, at least I got a solid 6+ hours of sleep, so that was good. 

I'm populating today's blog with a Kickstarter 
campaign I want to support and think that you 
might also enjoy. Tiny-Treehouses.com is their 
website and they have wonderful, detailed 
mini treehouses to hang or to add to your 
houseplants. Take a look at the few I've 
put in today's blog, and visit their website 
to see the range. There are some wonderful 
structures. 

I pushed through and got my full 2 miles on the treadmill - once again NOT my favorite exercise. I'd much rather be in the pool, but I don't think that's going to happen until next year. I just don't see myself being brave and going into the midst of other people fearlessly for a while yet. So, I trudged my way through my fast walk. Thank goodness for audio books - I'd die of boredom on the treadmill without my favorite books to listen to. 

There are some wonderful structures that they have 
in production - I just chose a few to share with 
all of you. Little structures like this can help the 
imagination run wild, offering up alternatives 
and giving safe spaces when needed. And these 
are clever. Beautifully designed. 

Settling down at my computer, I handled my email, checked my mail orders, and generally did what I had to do before settling down to write my blog ... and realized that I really had nothing to say today that wasn't negative or horribly boring or ick. Since I refuse to post ick (we have enough of that in our daily lives these days), today's blog will be short. But that's OK. Not every day has to be a winner. 

In their photos, they also have a few shots when the 
roofs are removed, showing the detailed interiors, 
not just the wonderful exteriors. I'm in love with 
these small structures. Take a look and let your 
own imaginations run wild for a little bit. 

I guess I'm just a bit depressed about the world I'm finding myself living in. I'm watching my nation and the world around me heading towards disaster. I'm seeing human rights so hard-fought for in the past within a knife's edge of being thrown into the trash, and I'm looking at a lot of angry and isolated people striking out an anyone because they feel powerless. All I can do is try to effect positive thoughts and actions within the small circle of people I interact with. And that's all you can do too. So please, today, try to brighten someone's day. We all need it. Have an excellent Tuesday and I'll be back tomorrow. 

Ripples Never Really Stop

I should be getting ready for the gym. In fact, I should be leaving the house in about 15 minutes to allow myself time to shovel my part of the driveway before leaving. BUT ... I took a realistic look at my schedule for the day and something had to give. In a rare decision, I realized I either had to shorten the gym or just skip it completely - I need an extra 30 minutes this morning to be in one of the southwestern suburbs by 8:30 am, then in one of the southeastern suburbs by 10:45 am. I also have to drop off my income tax payment for the corporate taxes, but that's close to home so no problem. My decision? Skip the gym. So no pool for me today. 

I've used this pic for years as one of my LJ choices. I also have a
copy posted on my wall at work with the cation "CRANKY". I
haul it out on particularly bad days to warn my staff that I'm not
in a good mood. 

DH is being ridiculous, acting rather like a spoiled and petulant 5-year-old. That's making me really have to stretch a bit to keep my usual positive outlook. Why is he acting up? My ex-fiancee - from more than 40 years ago - is still a friend. We're in contact through Facebook, and have met two or three times over the past years for a drink or a meal when he's pulling through town. He works music concerts - handles some of the production aspects of the shows. He messaged me and offered us tickets to the Santana concert coming to our area in August - a true solid because he knows I love Santana. 

I love Carlos Santana, his music has been a part of my life since
I was a teenager. I'd love to go to the concert, but I'll probably
end up thanking Seth for the tickets, but turning them down.
I haven't made my final decision yet, but I'll probably compromise
for the sake of familial peace. 

I told DH that we had been offered tickets, and he has barely spoken to me since. Apparently he's got a problem with the fact that I'm still in touch with my ex - a person who is a friend, nothing more. He also, apparently, blames me for wrecking his friendship with a longtime girlfriend from almost as many years ago. OK ... right. His girlfriend phoned while he was out of town, I told her he would return in two days, that I was sure he'd love to hear from her, and that she should phone back then. This was in the days before cell phones, so I couldn't just shoot her a number and suggest that she call or text. She didn't call. I'm blamed. 

It's not that difficult to find someone from your past online. I've done
this for several people - high school and college friends. It's a lot
easier to find guys since their names remain constant. So no ... no excuses. 

I do think, however, that in this day and age of social media and web presence, it's pretty darned easy to find someone if you take a little time. His ex-girlfriend could very easily find him - his name hasn't changed, he lives in the same general area, and his name is unusual enough that she could find a thread leading to him if she gave it 15 minutes of web work. I'm not taking the full blame for this one. 

Oh! And look at the new t-shirt I got yesterday. I found it
on-line and loved it. A lot of my t-shirts are looking pretty
ragged and old, so it's going to be nice to have a new
one to break in and wear. 

Still, it's rather silly how events from so long ago are still rippling and impacting us today. Take this as a cautionary tale - the ripples from a thrown stone can move through the ether forever. 

Time for me to go out and shovel - oh joy. But I'll reward myself with coffee and a nice breakfast before fighting the traffic for my early morning meeting. Have a wonderful Wednesday and I'll be back tomorrow. 

When Did We Get So Angry?

When did we get so angry? When did we wake up in the morning and have an overwhelming desire to strike out, harm, maim or kill someone else? When did a world of religious leaders preaching "peace" become a world of societies based upon and focused upon war? When did we lose it - lose our self-control, our personal happiness, our tolerance for others and our joy in our differences? When did the world become an "us" vs "them" instead of an opportunity to discover new thoughts, new friends and new lands. I don't like this new world very much, and Sunday's shooting showed anger at its worst.

The hits keep coming and we seem to be getting more and more immune to the shock, terror and death. Think back just a few years - let's keep it to within the last twenty or so. In 1999 we had Columbine - a high school in the foothills of Denver where two students with rifles, knives and explosives killed 13 of their fellow classmates. By the end of a very tense day, they also were dead, leaving the total at 15.

Then we had Virginia Tech - one perpetrator, two pistols, 33 dead (including the perpetrator). There was shock, and appropriate murmurs about gun control, but nothing really happened. That was in 2007.

Next on the major radar was Sandy Hook - an elementary school full of children and teachers. One shooter, two serious weapons, and a total of 28 kids and teachers dead by the end of that day in mid-December, 2012. The deaths elicited more discussion about weapon control, but once again, nothing actually was done.

Pulse, an Orlando nightclub, was the target of a mass shooting in 2016 where a single shooter killed 49 and wounded 58 others using a semi-automatic rifle and a semi-automatic pistol. Gun control laws and restrictions were discussed again, but only discussed, not acted upon.

Now we have Las Vegas. On Sunday night, a lone wolf in a high hotel room set up numerous high caliber weapons onto tripods aimed at the venue for an outdoor music concert and festival. At a time he felt was right, he knocked the glass from the windows (not easy to do) and then he started shooting, moving from one weapon to another to another, finally committing suicide before the police broke into the room. Although the final toll has yet to be determined, as of now 59 people are dead and more than 525 injured in the worst mass shooting in US history.

So I have to ask. What will it take to finally get these high-powered guns out of the hands of the general public? When did we, as a nation, become immune to an armed individual taking up a rifle and killing innocent people who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? I remember the shock we, as a nation, had when Charles Whitman killed 18 and injured 31 others from the clock tower of the University of Texas in 1966. Many point to that specific event as the beginning of this very rocky and blood-filled road. But hindsight is always easier than looking forward. The past can't be changed and the future is uncertain.

Will the very powerful gun lobby in this nation going succeed in pushing yet another mass murder underneath their heavily blood-soaked carpet? Will we, as a nation, allow something like the Las Vegas shooting, to possibly occur yet again in our future? When did reaching out for a high-powered weapon instead of our fists or the pen became the norm? How can we, as a nation, channel our anger into peace?

Anger and Lemonade

It's summertime, it's hot, and tempers are flaring. Yesterday, unusually, the indoor pool was opened on time but the outdoor pool was delayed for almost 30 minutes because the lifeguard was stuck in a traffic jam. Not much could be done there, but it's summertime, it's hot, and at least one person was so upset that he couldn't get into the outdoor pool instead of the smaller indoor one, that he stormed out of the lobby, jumped into his car, and headed ten miles away to the White Bear Lake YMCA to swim instead. By the time he would have hit the water there, our outdoor pool was open. I'm not sure what he managed to save, but the way he stormed out of my little YMCA, he may have lost a few calories just because of the grump factor.

How do you approach things that cause a glitch in your schedule or plans? Do you go all "caveman", grumbling, moving around at high speed and possibly even throwing things? Or are you the quiet type instead - internally stewing but not showing much reaction to the world until you just blow up from the pressure? I remember that type of anger from old Warner Brothers cartoons of steam exploding from the ears of characters in cartoons such as Bugs Bunny.

Are you a "take the punch and roll with it" type of person? Or are you a rant and rave and fight the world type, declaring loudly how unfair everything is for you? I admit that I tend to internalize a lot of my anger, eventually exploding into yelling and slammed doors. But I also admit that I'm generally a fairly even-tempered person who doesn't get horribly upset at much. I do get more upset when I'm tired or hot. Hmmm ... I'm tired and hot today - LOL. I guess I'd better be careful not to lose my temper during these sultry days.

Anger is a basic human emotion, but unless it is
channeled, it can be a very destructive emotion. 

It's summer solstice time and Strawberry Moon time and generally, it's a magical time as we move fully into the summer months. Six months from now we'll be complaining about the cold and the outdoor pool will have been closed for months. I think I'm going to try my best to enjoy my summer, even though I have a LOT of work to accomplish in the house before the weather turns once again. Here's hoping your Tuesday is wonderful and filled with joy. Make lemonade with the lemons that life gifts you on this summer day, and don't forget to add the ice cubes and lots of sweetener.