So Apparently...

So apparently my website host for the store did some upgrading that has resulted in my being unable to access my website to update it since I returned from Bead & Button Show in early June. It's been driving me crazy and has been on my to-do list when I got time - obviously since it is now mid-August, time simply has not appeared (that magic wand seems to be missing). But this morning I got an email from the web hosting service about needing to contact them within two weeks about some upgrade issues. Gee - do you think? I'm putting it onto my Wednesday schedule with a Red Highlight, as in THIS MUST BE DONE NOW!

These are the kind of things that drive me crazy. When things have
been working well for years and suddenly a glitch occurs, it's
MORE than annoying. 

While I do that, I'm still trying to remember and update the appropriate places that I had set for auto payments on my favorite credit card. In their infinite wisdom, the credit card company decided to send me a new card with a different number because mine may have been one of a large group that was compromised. OK, I actually love that my credit card company is looking out for my benefit, but this is the one card that I put personal automatic payments on and when I get a new card I have to go through a lot of thinking to come up with all of the places I need to change that information. Some things are easy - monthly recurring expenses are like that. But I have some annual renewals set to this card that I don't always remember until they get back to me with the dreaded "Your credit card information is inaccurate" emails. I have a running list right now of who to contact and I think I only have two left, but I could still be unfortunately surprised.

I love my Discover card, it's my card of choice. This is the second time in
three years that they've sent me a new card because of possible security
breaches, however, and getting everything up-to-date is a pain. 

It's my friend Mattie's 50th birthday today (shout out to him). DH will be joining him and "the boys" for a celebratory whatever tonight, but although I've been invited to drop by for a drink, I think I'll pass. He can represent us just fine and I did sign the card. I'll text him later to wish him a happy start to the downslide of his life. It's a slippery slope :-)

Happy Birthday, Mattie! Enjoy your special day. 

Robin Williams apparently committed suicide yesterday. He was only three years older than I am. It does give me thought when I think about such a talent and someone who always had a joyful public persona. I'll miss his talent, but understand that siren call that suicide can have. It's been a lot of years since my attempts, but once tried, the possibility remains an option, for better or worse.

Robin Williams suffered from alcoholism throughout his life and
was a regular member of AA. I hope he's at peace now. 

Last Wednesday I was gifted with a lovely feather near the base of one of my maple trees. I noticed it as I was driving in from the grocery store and left the car running while I went over to take a closer look. After a week of research, I think it is a wing feather from a brown barred owl. I'm so honored that she chose my lawn to cast her feather. It's beautifully colored with bold stripes and almost no quill damage. I'm delighted and will get a sharp blade into my craft knife to prepare the top as I was taught with red cloth to honor the gift.

Barred owls are so beautiful (I'm quite partial to owls in general).
I know we have an owl in our neighborhood because the
crows go crazy when they find it. 

Have a great Tuesday, all. I'm off to shop at Audible where I just found out that one of my favorite authors has six books. Whoop! Yeah!

Thinking About the Past

I'm an archaeologist, a historian for fun, and someone who writes fiction that often requires historical research, so I have nothing against history. In fact, in most cases, I embrace history because historical records make my own research easier. But some things buried should remain buried.

Never forget that History is written by the victors. That
usually means that there will be a bias to most
historical records.
Give yourself an amusing four minutes and watch thisshort YouTube video of five historical misconceptions. 

Like many friends and acquaintances over the years, my family has been touched by suicide. Not just my own small attempts when I was young, stupid, and fighting teenage depression, but friends and family members who were far more effective than I. More than eight years ago my brother-in-law shot himself with a shotgun. Although we were never close, the ripples of that violent act passed through the family with each member reacting differently. It led to our second family funeral in four months - not good.

There are no good answers on either end of a suicide. 

Normally we would have been able to just put this behind us and move on, and that's certainly been our methodology to this point. But out of the blue, I got a phone call earlier this week from the police department in the far northern town where he had lived at that time. Apparently they had the shotgun he had used in their possession and wanted to pass it over to the remaining family. SQUICK!

There are just some things that are totally Squick!

OK, the entire idea of this just - ICK. No! I don't want the firearm he used to off himself with in my possession. Just - NO. But it was my brother-in-law, not my brother, and thus wasn't really my call. I told the Captain that I would check with my husband and we would get back to him on that.

We both said "No!" It was the right decision - no argument on this. 

Fortunately my husband also didn't want the firearm, so we are signing away our rights to the weapon and allowing the northern police department to either destroy or sell the gun as they prefer. I rather hope they'll destroy it - even though I don't think that 'auras' or 'mojo' sticks to an inanimate object (or at least not very often). No, I hope they will destroy it because there are plenty of guns and other firearms in our society today and I'd rather see one less out there in the hands of the general public. I guess that's one more aspect of my hippie coming to the forefront.

"Make Love, Not War" was a common sentiment as I was growing up. We put flowers into the barrels of rifles and shotguns instead of running from them. We tried to turn the sentiment of the general society from a war-focused hawk to a peace-loving dove. Did we succeed? No. But I'll be trying to push peace until my dying day. Break and melt the damned gun - we don't need more tools for violence.

Survival Mode, Returning to Roots

So, as some of you may know, I have had issues with depression for many, many years. I get too stressed and I start thinking about various ways to harm myself. Yes, I tend to be suicidal - not good, certainly not healthy, but something that I have kept under control for most of my life by making appropriate life choices, minimizing my stress levels, and focusing on things that I love rather than things that upset me.

I was starting to feel like this was a viable solution. VERY BAD!

These past few months have been very difficult for me and I felt in many ways as if I had lost my way in a sea of very choppy waves. But after spending most of Saturday thinking about things that should be behind triple-locked doors in my mind, I put another wall of bricks in front of that door on Sunday and thought about why I was feeling this way. I've come to some conclusions.

I love fan fiction I love the incredible intelligence and imagination that comes through the author's words and stories. I am less fond of the politics and the non-story related aspects of the community that I have become more and more a part of. I am over stretched, and I'm not allowing time for what I truly love. So I am going to shift gears in the pursuit of mental happiness and stability and I'm returning to my roots. I miss reading fanfic. I got so involved in other things that I lost track of what I love.

So I'm returning to reading stories. I'll post my blog (this one will be open, subsequent ones will be friend-locked on LJ) because I post it six days a week as an aid with my thoughts and feelings. But most importantly, I'll read. I've fallen behind on my reading. There are authors whose work I adore where I am several chapters behind. That would NEVER have happened a year ago. NEVER. I am pushing politics to a back burner, it will still be there and I will pay attention, but I will be minimally active. I will move fanfic back to my front burner and turn up the heat. I will continue to write and read and it is my hope that through this I will rediscover my true love of the fanfic community at large. It's a great group of authors, and I just need that to be my focus. I'll still be commenting, I'll still be an active participant, but my focus will be the fantasy, not the reality. I think I'll be much happier living in a fantasy world...