Death Is Always Hard to Digest

Yesterday, at 7:30 am, my oldest nephew died. I could use a lot of other words - passed, eased, etc. But the fact is that his body finally decided the constant pain of his cancer simply wasn't worth the battle any more. He never regained consciousness, so that was a blessing. The family will gather together for a Celebration of Life towards the end of the month. I'm fairly sure Michael will be cremated, although I can't say for sure about that. I do know that this has hit my nieces and nephews very hard. Hell ... it's hit all of us very hard. 

A photo of Michael in better days. I haven't seen him 
since Christmas 2023, but he was in a lot of pain then, 
and had already aged a decade or more (seemingly) 
since this photo was taken. But this photo was actually 
within the past five years. What a change over time! 

Michael, as the oldest of the kids, was the one that everyone looked to for answers and guidance. Catie, his younger sister, is also the one that the others look to, and now she's the oldest. So much to think of, and so much to do. I'm in the middle of my own whirlwind, and I need to make sure it dovetails with any others in the family that it may impact. 

So much to do, and yet I can't really do anything to 
help Catie and the other kids. I'm a voice at the end of 
the phone if needed, but I'm in that older generation 
that they don't belong to. 

Today DH and I start out with a quick visit to our lawyer. It's a meeting that's been on the schedule for several weeks, so not an "off the cuff" meeting. As I recall, it's dealing with our investments and property to get things like wills, etc, ironed out and written down. Again - something necessary. This afternoon I have an appointment with my orthodontist for some minor work, and I was supposed to get my treadmill fixed today, but the time they had suggested will intersect with the orthodontic appointment, so the treadmill fix has been pushed off yet again. 

In the end we are all leaves caught in the 
whirlwind of life - destined to fly high 
and eventually, come back to the ground, 
our Mother. 

And, of course, I need to make a quick inventory of my food supplies in the refrigerator. I actually think I'm set for the remainder of the week, which would be wonderful and would mean a minimal trip to the grocery store today. Life doesn't stop, even when it seems as if it should. I'm off to the pool. Have a wonderful Wednesday. I'll be back tomorrow. Slava Ukraini. 

Thoughts of People in our Past

We were good and went to the "Celebration of Life" (or whatever mortuaries are calling their get-togethers these days). It was good to see Gary, as always. He's our landlord (took over after his Dad died), and he's a great guy. It was also nice to see Hugh again - I haven't seen him for several years although he lives rather close to me. Dean, the brother who died (apparently of a massive heart attack) was the youngest of the three brothers. Their Mom is still living and was there. It was lovely to see her again and give her a hug and chat for a little bit. She's in her 90's now, but looks quite good. 

It was quite the nice location, and an easy drive from the house. 
It's right on the way to my orthodontist, so I was very 
familiar with the road and the best way to get there quickly. 
The funeral chapel was quite large with several different 
rooms available for people to gather in. Instead of a 
photo story-board as I'm used to (I haven't been to a wake 
in more than a decade), they had a nice large screen 
with photos rotating through virtually. That was a nice touch. 

DH filled me in a little bit on how we actually knew the family. Apparently, the father, Iver Carlson, had built an enclosed porch for DH's Dad way back when, and he also re-roofed our first home - the very small 1920's house that we first moved into (DH's Grandmother's house). Later on, the company did the gutters, siding and roof for the house we currently live in. The business closed a few years ago, but they still own a lot of property in the area around the store, so they are landlords now, rather than actively doing maintenance and building. 

Our neighborhood is basically owned by two families 
and a college. One of those families is the Carlson 
family, who have owned much of the property on our 
main street and rental housing west of us for decades. 
The actual business closed about five years ago, but 
they are still very active landlords in the area. 

We didn't stay long, I wasn't expecting to. I just felt we needed to make an appearance and make sure we saw all of the major people at least once. I knew Hugh the least of all of the boys. He was the only one who wasn't involved in the family business at one time or another. I know Gary the best - as our landlord he's been in and out, helping to fix, maintain and rebuild parts of our shop for many years now. 

Radiation therapy is going really well, and it's 
smooth and efficient. I'm generally out within 
10 minutes of being called back. We're getting 
into a routine, here - LOL. 

Radiation therapy is in its' second week now and I'm not really having any physical repercussions that I can tell, although I'm sure it's doing something. But I'm feeling pretty darned good, and just make sure that I stay on the schedule they've assigned me. Today is one of those days that I might be late to work, so I'll make sure the alarm is off so that Chickie can get in on time if I'm running slightly late. You can never tell what traffic will be like on the streets, and I don't want to open late. So I'll leave a bit early to make sure I have things ready to go for her before heading to the clinic. 

Have an excellent Thursday. I'm already looking forward to the end of the week. It's been quite the week so far - LOL. Enjoy your day and please, be kind. Kindness can be infectious, and we all need some kindness in our lives these days. Slava Ukraini. 

Thinking About an Old Friend, Long Gone

My on-line friend and fellow author, Fiondil, died on this date in 2015. Arthur and I chatted on-line, he was a good friend who allowed me to play in his playground occasionally. He was a deeply religious man who was well traveled (he taught school in China for several years and traveled elsewhere as well). He was a writer with a passion in Tolkien's broader universe, and his Namo is the vision of that character that I'll carry with me forever. His tales are collected on the "Stories of Arda" website. I highly recommend them. He had a deep knowledge of Tolkien's universe, but put his own stamp on it. RIP Arthur. 

Today I Remember - A Celebration of Life for Two Friends

It's been a week of memories, and I'm sharing with you today. I'll start out with Keiliss, who died one year ago on this day. My heart still aches when I think of her, and I still find myself weeping for her. I know Red will be feeling that loss today, no doubt. I never met Kei in person, we never even spoke on the phone, but she was important to me - a friend and supporter for many years, and a talented author. I miss you and think of you often. 

This is a lovely Weeping Angel from a 
cemetery in Ohio, USA. 

Two days ago would have been the 59th birthday of DH and my friend, Matt. He died seven years ago from cancer, and there's probably not a week that goes by when he doesn't cross my mind. I occasionally hear from his widow via Facebook, and the kids seem to be doing well, but he was my hockey friend. He had the greatest laugh, and he took life on strong, wringing every bit of joy from it that he could. The last months were difficult, filled with pain and tied to an electronic wheelchair. I still remember clearing the way for his wheelchair as he was leaving Ren Fest on a cold and dreary September Sunday. The pathways were mud - some too deep for his chair's weight, so we stuck to the more packed walking paths, People would grumble as I would tell them to step aside, until they saw Matt, trying to steer his chair through the rough ground, with DH behind him. One look, and the pathway would clear for a few more yards. It's a good memory of a dear friend. 

This angel statue with it's crossed arms has a rather 
welcoming expression. The various poses and items 
carried by cemetery statues all have meaning, especially 
in Victorian times. Although this website isn't the 
best at explanations, it's a good start if you're interested. 
https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/pictures-angels-at-cemeteries

So, I've shared two of my friends with you, and tears of sorrow and of joy fill my eyes. Sorrow, because these two exceptional people have left us forever. And joy because I had the honor of calling both of them my friend - one whom I knew in person for many years, the other whom I never met, but we conversed back and forth for a long time. 

This seated angel is quite lovely. Of course, I refuse to 
be placed in the ground or in a wall at all! Too much 
claustrophobia on my part. Burn me and scatter me instead, 
and let the four winds take me to the far reaches of Mother 
Earth. 

The old saying goes that people never actually die until their memories disappear. That's the Ancient Egyptian way of thought, one of several reasons for the "second door" on tombs (for those highly placed enough to have tombs). I've always believed it, to an extent. People remembered are never truly dead. Their resonance still colors lives and actions, their colors still paint the skies in a small part of the vastness above us. I feel honored to have had these two people in my life for as long or short as a time as I did, and I hope I've led you to thinking about those whom you have lost. I think about many people, my "brother", my Unci, my parents, etc. Many people. But today, I'm thinking about Keiless and Matty. Slava Ukraini. 

Devastating News - Kei Died Last Night

I just read Red's post, and I'm devastated. Keiless, my friend from Cape Town, South Africa, died last night from advanced lung cancer. We'd been on-line friends for years, more than a decade I'm pretty sure, and chatted on and off in private exchanges every now and again. I actually had a card on my desktop with her address paperclipped to it, just waiting for me to fill it out and mail it to her. I'm going to miss her - a lot. 

It's odd how friendships can be made and grow into rich, fulfilling exchanges, with people we've never met in person. How these days we can glibly say "I have a friend in South Attica, or Croatia, or any number of other places," and it's true; although we've never traveled there nor exchanged a hug. But we've exchanged our experiences, our highs and lows, and our achievements with these people whom we call our friends, and they, in turn, have enriched our lives. 

It's really hard to see through my tears right now, and I know I'll be thinking of her throughout the day, and for many days to come. I'm sorry to have a sad post today, but not every day will be filled with joy and optimism. Sometimes life gets in the way, and sometimes death closes the door. Mitakuye Oyasin. 

Dia de los Muertos - A Celebration and Thoughts on Death

Today is Dia de los Muertos, a day to remember and celebrate those who have preceded us into the unknown that awaits us all. Today I'm remembering my parents, my in-laws, my cousin who passed shortly before shut-down last year, and a myriad of other people in my life - close and distant. Death is a part of the human experience. It might be more proper to say that death is a part of life's experience, because in our world, everything dies. 

It gets a bit cold up here to do traditional Dia de los Muertos 
celebrations, so altars are often made at home instead of 
at the cemetery. The graves are still visited and decorated, 
though, although eating meals and spending the day and 
often the night with those who have passed is hard to do 
when nighttime temperatures dip into the 20's F. 

That has set up a conundrum for humanity, because we fall into the comfortable and fear the unknown. Death is the great unknown, and with the exception of some religious beliefs, it's a one-way trip. To the best of my knowledge, that fear of the unknown - fear of death - doesn't pervade the thoughts, dreams, artwork, novels, music, and speech of any other entity on the planet except humanity. Yet, humans in all places and all walks of life, fight actively against death almost every day of our lives. 

I really loved this picture, so had to share it with all 
of you. In many ways, it's quite a benevolent Death, 
holding his skeletal hand out for the young lady. 

No pundit is silly enough to say that he or she has conquered death. No, what is claimed instead is a postponement. Eat this and you'll live longer. Do this exercise. Live your life this way. Don't forget to drink this before your nighttime meal, you'll live longer. But really, the question comes two-fold. (1) Do we want to live longer? And (2) Really? Why? 

In Mexico it is tradition to share a meal with the dead 
on Dia de los Muertos. Some families will spend the 
entire day at the cemetery, decorating the grave(s), 
eating, singing, and generally including the dead in 
the lives of the living. It sounds pretty good to me. 

What is gained by living longer? Isn't the important thing to live better, healthier, and have your independence for as long as you possibly can? Many of you have read my story about my mother and have been kind enough to comment on it. Mother lived for almost five additional years in that care center. Was she happy? I really can't say. If I had spoken to her pre-Alzheimer's self and told her what her future held, would she have wanted it? I'm sure she had some happy days, and I'm sure she had some sad ones. That's human nature. But was she truly happy? I can only hope so. 

In Tolkien, you have the Halls of Mandos, overseen by 
Lord Namo. Some elves go there voluntarily - Miriel 
comes to immediate mind. Others come there when their 
"immortal" lives are cut short - usually in Middle Earth. 
I've always seen Lord Namo as portrayed by Fiondil - a 
silent and brooding figure, but compassionate and 
heart-sore at the fate of his charges. 

So as you celebrate and remember your loved ones who have gone before you today on Dia de los Muertos, think also about yourself. Think about your life, and living it to the fullest. Think about the dreams you hold and whether or not they are still valid. If so, can you do something about achieving some of them? Look upon the life lessons you learned from those who have gone beyond the veil, and put those lessons into your own life. 

Live your life well. Treat each day as if it might 
be your last. Leave love in your pathway, not hatred. 
Remember others, be kind, and above all else, listen. 
Much of the time, listening is the greatest gift. 

For me, I say a loud "THANK YOU" to all who have intersected with my life and have passed from this realm to the next. I have been enriched by each of you, I have learned, I have laughed, and I will cry because I miss all of you. But beyond that, you gave me a part of yourself, and I value that above all else. Have an excellent day, I'll be back tomorrow. 

Today my Heart Weeps as I Remember the Fallen and Why Do Jewish Graves Hold Stones Instead of Flowers?

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the White House (which didn't happen because the passengers revolted and caused the plane heading for the White House to crash in a field in Pennsylvania instead, killing all aboard.)

This photo was taken at Ft Snelling National Cemetery in 
the Twin Cities - my local military cemetery. Each headstone 
was connected to a family - people who miss their loved 
ones every day. 

Rather than post something lighthearted, I'm following my feelings today and allowing myself to reflect on how short life can be and those whom we love and who choose to love us. Everyone in this nation was affected by these attacks, it's something many of us will remember throughout our lives. In some ways, the attacks were the start of our war in Afghanistan - a war that we just abandoned less than two weeks ago. 

Instead of flowers, most Jewish graves have stones place 
on the gravestone. Have you ever wondered why this 
was done instead of flowers? Here's an article that 
explains the practice far better than I can. 
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/putting-stones-on-jewish-graves/

So today I remember the fallen and those who fell afterwards in the long and rather fruitless war. If you have a chance today, think back on this single day that changed the course of life in our nation. Mitakuye Oyasin. 

A Funeral and a Celebration of Life with a Little Healing Thrown In

I checked my schedule and the funeral for Prince Phillip begins at 8:30 am local time. I'll make sure I have a TV on at work to listen/watch. I've watched most of the major events happening in Britain over the past decades - the weddings and the funerals. I can't imagine not watching this as well, although it certainly will be different given Covid restrictions. I wonder if the crowds will come out, despite the risks of contagion. I suspect they will be there, good idea or not. 

It's a bit appalling how those paying their respects in this 
photo are almost all white males in dark suits without a 
mask in sight. They rather look like a mass of penguins 
returning to their nesting area. 

The first thing on my agenda yesterday was a quick trip to Mississippi Market Co-op for veggies and miscellaneous. I had no idea what the miscellaneous would be, but knew I wanted to stock up on veggies for my veggie smoothies. I ended up scoring the mother lode! I not only found my Coconut Butter on the shelves there, but also the Fenugreek Seeds spice I had been unable to find at any other outlet. I also found a pure roiboos tea without fillers or added "Natural" flavors. I immediately made myself a lovely cup of tea when I returned home. 

Roiboos tea is from the South African roiboos bush. The 
leaves are harvested for the tea, which has a slightly 
earthy flavor with an underlying sweetness. I've loved 
Roiboos tea for years, but finding some that doesn't have 
any additional additives has been hard. Finally I 
succeeded at my co-op. 

Fridays are Zoom check-in days for my WildFit food program and it's always wonderful to see so many people who have become friends on-line. We're all stumbling through this together, and each of us have our own problems either with the program, or because of it. Our Coach, Monica, recommended I change my eating patterns slightly, adding in one more category of food for my evening meal, so I made sure to start that last night by adding Butternut squash to my dinner plate. It was quite good, so no objections from me - LOL. 

Dinner emphasized variety - we're really supposed 
to push for variety in veggies to help our bodies 
and keep from getting bored. Here I had a small 
tuna steak with sauteed mushrooms, fresh green 
beans, roasted Brussels sprouts and roasted 
Butternut squash with a small side salad. It 
was very tasty. 

I start a new class on Monday - a class in Energy Healing from Donna Eden, a world-renowned energy healer. It's a fascinating course, one I'm really looking forward to knowing more about. I know that I don't see energy fields, but that doesn't mean I can't have effective healing or that I can't do things that might be effective for others. At any rate, I'll understand much more about the way the body can heal after I'm finished with the course. I know it's a little "woo-woo" for some people, but I think it can be an effective course of treatment in many cases. It will intersect with WildFit for several weeks, but there's nothing I can do about that. My main focus is WildFit, anything else will have to be secondary. 

I'm not fond of taking two classes at the same time, and 
my WildFit program goes through most of May, but I 
couldn't turn down the chance to work on Energy Healing 
from one of the leaders in the field. I'm looking forward 
to this class, which is actually given in an 8-week format 
of download on Monday and take the week to look through 
the class materials and work through any exercises. 
At the very least I'll learn much more about meridians, 
chakras and polarities. 

On that note, I'd better get moving. I want to have breakfast before I head out and I can't be late for the funeral. (Oh good grief...I'm so ridiculous. Despite the fact that the dead won't give a darn if I'm watching or not, I still want to watch.) Have an excellent weekend and please continue to be kind, stay safe and wear your mask. I'll be back on Monday. 

Endings - They Come, But They're Hard To Accept

Today is Wednesday, August 26th, and if the pandemic had been a short hop, I would be in Milwaukee today, taking a jewelry workshop from one of my favorite instructors and getting ready for the "Meet the Teachers" event tonight in the Convention Center. I'm here, at home, and quite obviously NOT in Milwaukee. I won't be returning there for this show again - ever. The Pandemic has had some unusual casualties, but the demise of a business and its' offshoots was one that many people never calculated. 

I'd attended the Bead & Button Show since the mid-1990's when they
were under the umbrella of "Embellishment" and Quilts, Etc. Having the
show (and magazine) close permanents shuts the door on more than
twenty years of my life. 

When most people think of the pandemic, they think of it a bit more personally. "Who do I know who had/has COVID?" ""How can I support friends impacted by the disease?" and "I've recovered, but now what do I do?" Of course there's also the feeling of frustration as we wait for a vaccine, and the equal annoyance with inaccurate test results if you took one of the many COVID tests available in your community. 

In addition to dealing with the virus, we've all been dealing with the effects of stay-at-home, the public unrest following the death of George Floyd and other murders by those we pay to protect us, and the dual dislikes of wearing masks in public and wading through the sewage of the Democratic and Republic Conventions. It's a Tweedledum and Tweedledee choice this November - bad or worse. I refuse to discuss politics in my blog or on FB posts, but I'm pretty unhappy with where the USA is politically right now but not seeing blue skies and bright days in our future either. 

My pharmacy, located across the street from my shop, was looted and
torched following the death of George Floyd. It was a frightening few
days for us, but we escaped because of the efforts of several neighborhood
residents who patrolled our little section of store fronts and turned
away several waves of looters and rioters. 

Look around your cities and towns. Are you seeing fewer small businesses? They're victims of the pandemic - closing left and right and leaving the retail pond to the big fish - the Amazons, Wall Marts and Costcos of the world. It's a pity - small business has always been the heart of America and we're losing a large percentage of them this year. So if you have a choice, please support your local small businesses - they'll appreciate the opportunity to serve you. 

I'm feeling a bit shell-shocked about my cousin Miki's death right
now. I'm shocked that I didn't know she died, or even that she
had cancer. But we weren't super close, just touched base a
couple of times a year. Still, someone important just left my life. 

Finally, on a personal note, I received notification yesterday that my cousin Miki died in late March from complications after pancreatic cancer surgery. She was a brilliant person - a law professor at Wake Forest School of Law for many years, married to her beloved Regina until she died from brain cancer in 2017. We weren't close, but we were in steady contact with each other. Throughout her life she lived with Crohn's disease, a crippling disease that required many abdominal surgeries throughout her life. I'm still trying to figure out if she was 6 or 8 years older than I am, but either number, she was too young to leave us. Still, if one believes in an afterlife, maybe she's with Regina again. 

On that semi-depressing note, for which I apologize, I'm signing off for the day. Have a wonderful Wednesday and I plan to be back with you tomorrow. 

Grief and Loss - Reaching Out

It's always hard when one goes ahead on a road you can't follow. It's always hard to lose an anchor, a loved one, a friend and confidant. It's an unexpected emptiness when turning a corner and not seeing the person you expected, when wanting to ask a question, or to share good news. It's an emptiness that never truly gets filled. It's the death of someone beloved, and this happened to two members of my extended family - on and off line - this past week. 

Near death experiences often mention a long tunnel
lighted at the far end. I'd probably be looking for the
graffiti, but that light is rather mesmerizing, isn't it. 

In my own family, we lost a cousin, a father of two. It's on my sister-in-law's husband's side of the family, so a distant cousin by marriage, and I can't say if I ever met the man, but my nieces and nephews knew him and know his wife and children. The memorial is scheduled for today with the funeral scheduled for Wednesday. This death was hard because he killed himself and that will leave lots of questions behind for his immediate family; questions about what clues they missed, what they might have been able to do, and a lot of second guessing. It's tough to lose a family member that way. It seems to add extra sting to death's grip. 

Maybe we move through the clouds into a type of
vortex. A force of nature on an supernatural plane. 

In my on-line family, a dear and long-time friend lost her mother over the weekend. In this case there was an illness as well as a respectable age, but it's still not going to be easy for those who are left behind. My heart goes out to her daughter and son who will be missing her presence. 

This tunnel exhibits a nice Fibonacchi curve in it, the curve
that exists throughout nature in almost every living thing. 

It's an odd thing about death. It occurs around us every day - plants, animals and people are always being born and dying. It's common. But it also is the Great Mystery - that journey that continues onward without signposts or road maps. Many people believe that you meet again with loved ones and move into a condominium in the clouds. It's that old "My Father has many houses" message and I'm sure that celestial property values are determined on piety and proximity to the Big Dude. But that's totally NOT my thing. 

If I'm going to consider tunnels and star-shine, I'm going to go
with dimensional tunnels to the stars. We are all made from
stardust and powered by energy and light. If we believe Einstein,
matter is neither created nor destroyed, it merely changes form. 

On the other hand, when you think about those words, "My Father has many houses", and consider that we are all light, energy and stardust, perhaps they do make sense after all. We are members of the cosmos and matter is neither created nor destroyed, it merely changes form. Matter can become light, and light can be starlight, moving into the universe and joining with light from billions of stars throughout the void. Here, there are indeed 'many houses' and lots of room since the universe is expanding. 

In the end, how will you be remembered by those you
leave behind? If you will be remembered with love, then
you will have lived a successful life. 

So, to wind down, do we meet our loved ones again? Will we recognize them if we do? I suppose it's possible, I certainly can't discount that possibility. But to be a mote of light in a universe of stars? That will be heaven for me and I will ride the solar winds and play in the galactic clouds. 

On that note, I'm moving along. DH's Valentine's celebratory meals put four pounds on me so it's back to the gym for a serious workout today. LOL Have a good Monday and I'll return tomorrow. 

Flying Into the Sun - Just Watch Me Burn

Tomorrow DH will drop me off at the airport before he heads to the shop. I'll be in South Dakota by early afternoon, pick up my rental car and head southwest to Chadron, Nebraska, the closest town to Pine Ridge, South Dakota, that has hotels. I have a reservation there at a hotel and then will figure out my next steps. It's going to be a rough 24 hours, being pulled into the mess that will accompany my attendance at the wake and funeral of my brother. Family dynamics are always interesting. I'll fly back home on Sunday in the late morning. 

I feel as if I will be flying into the sun. The emotional tornado
I'll be walking into with eyes wide shut frightens me a bit. I don't
think I would be doing this at all if my sister Maja hadn't come into
town and if she wasn't going to be there at my side. 

DH remarked last night that I'll be seeing a lot of people I haven't seen for decades. True, that. It's rather intimidating in some respects. Emotions always tend to run high at gatherings like this, but I'll just have to focus hard on why I'm there and try to stay out of the emotional blackmail issues that are certain to crop up. 

I've been a box turtle for more than fifteen years now, staying
away from the Reservation since Grandmother's death in the
early 2000's. It's going to feel odd being back there once more.
I'm going to pull my "elder status" around me like a blanket. My
bald head will be my protection. 

Of course, I'm arriving back home too late to attend the event where I was scheduled as speaker on Sunday. It's unfortunate, because I had really been looking forward to speaking to the group. I phoned the other speaker yesterday and explained that I had a death in the family and had to miss my talk. She, graciously, offered to read my talk to the group if I email the text to her. It was very kind of her, and I'll get that text out to her today. 

It was extremely kind for the primary speaker to volunteer
to read my speech on my behalf. I'm taking her up on
her offer and will send her the text today. 

I'll pack tonight, catch a plane tomorrow, and return on Sunday, emotionally drained. One of my e-friends commented on yesterday's post that I should remember that I'm there for my brother - to focus on that while the maelstrom occurs around me. Great advice, and I'll be doing my very best to keep that focus. I owe this much to a man who meant a great deal to me. Attending his funeral will allow me to finally end that part of my life and move on to my next goals without baggage. It'll be good. 

I'll be leaving my emotional baggage behind
me on the Rez. I have a life ahead of me that
won't include visits back to Pine Ridge for any
foreseeable reason. 

So, I'll be back tomorrow with a post, but then I'll be on "radio silence" until Monday morning. Have a great day! 

Looks Like I'll Be Leaving on a Jet Plane

Texts have been flying madly between my Washington sister, Maja, and I. She's the one in the know about what's happening with my brother's funeral since her companion is already out there, in the thick of it. She's also in touch with my brother's daughter, Rachel, who I haven't seen for years but who I've known since she was a small child. I started researching flights to South Dakota, thinking that if I couldn't be out for the full ceremonies, I would try to fly out for Saturday's funeral and burial. 

I don't fly often. I love being in the clouds, but hate sharing the experience
with a tin can stuffed with passengers. But, when time is short, a plane
becomes the only option. So, it's looking like a quick flight out and back
from South Dakota will be the way to go. 

As it turns out, Maja is flying into the Twin Cities before flying out to South Dakota on Friday. That's basically the schedule I was also looking at - flying out on Friday and back on Saturday night or Sunday morning. We'll text some more today, but if I can, I might try to synch my flight out with her. I need more information first, though. I'm still unsure about whether the ceremonies and funeral will be on the Reservation or in Rapid City. It makes a difference when it comes to hotel reservations. I'm a bit old for sleeping in the car, and it's starting to get cold overnight these days. 

Most people associate South Dakota with Mount Rushmore. It's quite
imposing and beautifully situated, and I've visited it several times over
the years, but that's not usually the focus of my visits to my neighboring
state. 

I have an emergency fund that I hold in reserve and I can dip into that for the expenses, but it will still be expensive. If I had the time, I'd drive out to save money, but it's a 13 hour drive each way, and that's time I just don't have. So, I'll have to dip into my savings and I don't see much of a choice. I'm thankful I have some funds set aside, and DH said he'd help me out too, so that'll be welcome. 

Over the past thirty years, when I've gone to South Dakota, I've
gone to the prairies east of the Black Hills, to the Pine Ridge
Indian Reservation. One of the most beautiful places in the state,
and one of the most impoverished. The sign states:
Entering
Pine Ridge Reservation
Lake of the Oglala Sioux
Chiefs
Red Cloud
Black Elk
Crazy Horse
My family is Red Cloud. My Grandmother lived down the road
from the Tribal Chief on Red Cloud land. It's a proud name and heritage. 

So, it's looking as if I'll have the opportunity to deal with family dynamics in a stressful situation. Oh joy! But I'll also be able to say a proper "Good-bye" to my brother, and that's worth any and all of the aggravation that I anticipate, including having to deal with my brother's last wife - NOT on my "friends" list at all ... EVER. 

I'll be back tomorrow, Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel. 

Have a great Wednesday. I'll be running around like the proverbial "chicken with its head chopped off" today, lots and lots to get done. I plan on being back tomorrow, though, so I'll see you then - "Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel". 

Remembering My Brother - Floyd Hand RIP

Last night I received a phone call from an unrecognized number, so I passed it on to Google Screen which screens calls. It turned out my sister-from-a-different-mother in Washington state was phoning me from her work, so I immediately texted her back. I rarely hear from her directly, so I knew something was up. She told me that our brother, mentor, teacher, friend ... so many other terms ... had died. I knew he was in bad shape. A lifelong diabetic as many Native Americans are, he had never taken the care for himself that the disease requires. The last I heard about him was early this summer when a mutual friend told me he was in the VA care facility in Rapid City, South Dakota, having lost his feet and hands to the disease. 

Floyd Hand was a healer and Spiritual Leader of the Lakota
Sioux tribe. He was 80 years old. We almost shared a birthday -
born within a few days of each other, several years apart. He
was my brother and friend and I knew him and loved him for
many, many years. 

I had last heard from Floyd out of the blue in the spring when he phoned me at the shop. It shocked me a bit, since I hadn't heard from him for more than ten years. Floyd Hand walked the Red Road. He was a spiritual adviser, "medicine man" and Sun Dance Leader for the Lakota people in Pine Ridge, South Dakota, and taught spiritual workshops throughout the nation. He traveled widely and touched the lives of thousands of people. 

I knew Floyd shortly before his book was published. At
that time he was still living in the Minneapolis/St Paul
area and working with the local people here as well
as on Prairie Island. His spirituality was inclusive -
all were welcome and many different faiths were
intermingled into a Lakota framework. 

I got to know him first through my shop. At the time I met him I was in my old location, just a few blocks from where he was living. He came in to get to know us since we were involved in the Native American community, and invited me to a sweat lodge the next day. A few months later, DH and I and a small caravan of people followed him, driving out to Pine Ridge, SD for the 100th anniversary of the Wounded Knee massacre. That's where I first met my Grandmother - Zona Fills the Pipe. I was pulled into a new family and visited, worked alongside, and celebrated with them for more than a decade. 

He held workshops and conducted sweat lodges
throughout the nation, from the Carolinas to
Hawaii. He traveled extensively and I never saw
him turn anyone down who was looking for help.
His door was always open, food was always offered,
and he listened and tried to help. 

Why we pulled apart is totally on me - it was my decision and I don't really regret it. But I did pull away from the weekly rituals, sweat lodges, healing ceremonies and other events, mostly because work was interfering, but also for personal reasons. But I worked with Floyd Hand in Lakota spirituality for more than a decade and have always considered him my older brother. 

So, my older brother died last night. I'm totally on the fence about whether or not I'll go back to the Reservation for his funeral. I know my sister and her husband will be there, and I'm quite sure I'll know others attending from throughout the nation, but I'll have to make up my mind when my sister tells me the schedule. I have a speaking engagement on Sunday, one that I committed to months ago, and can't miss that, there are also some things happening at work that require me to be present. Once again, I am pulled in two different directions because of this man - this brother - this mentor - this friend. 

I'm happy you're out of pain, my brother. I'm happy you've been able to join Unci and others, and rejoin Ellie, the true love of your life. Rest in peace.